OK, now you're making me angry.
Monster Hunter 3: Ultimate is a game with real staying power, and it’s a constant presence in my Wii U’s disc drive. It waits patiently for my return, unflustered by the novelty of new titles and the supposedly massive amount of content they have on offer. It’s used to long spells of rejection – in fact, I’m starting to think it thrives off it.
As the months roll by, I inevitably find myself returning to Capcom’s monster hunting extravaganza with my tail between my legs, awash with guilt that I overlooked it for so long. But I need not worry, because Monster Hunter always welcomes me with a crushing embrace.
There are some beasts that just want to ruin everything by being hair-tearingly obnoxious.
I simply can’t resist the thrill of the hunt, a fact reflected in my Wii U’s activity log where Monster Hunter 3: Ultimate proudly bests all other titles in terms of playtime by a staggering margin. There’s something so incredibly satisfying about conquering a fearsome monster and then showing off the spoils of your victory in the form of an armour set or fancy new weapon. I’m getting equipment pangs just thinking about it.
But for every fantastic creature that inhabits the world of Monster Hunter 3: Ultimate, there are some beasts that just want to ruin everything by being hair-tearingly obnoxious. Don’t get me wrong, pretty much everything in Monster Hunter will attempt to hurt you in some shape or form, but these are the real pains in the ass – the ones who are more annoying than a split bean bag leaking all over the floor.
10. Wild Melynx
Monster Hunter isn’t just about killing things for fashion – it’s about gathering items and careful resource management. Before you accept any quest you have to ensure you have the right items for the job, otherwise the consequences could be disastrous.
But what if you’re well prepared, or worse, you’ve finally managed to pick up that elusive material that you spent weeks searching for? Wouldn’t it be annoying – like really, really annoying – if someone just came along and stole that from you? Well, say hello to the mischievous Melynx.
While Melynxs may seem cute and cuddly at first glance (they are cats after all), you’ll soon learn to hate these cowardly creatures as they are nothing but robbing gits. Listen carefully to the cries of “NYAAA!” while you’re out on a quest, because if you don’t, you could be on the end of a pick-pocketing master class from these wretched felines.
Once you’ve been mugged you better act quick; you only have a short amount of time to find the thieving cat and smack the item back into your possession – otherwise it will be gone forever.
I can’t count the amount of times a Melynx has nabbed a mega potion or my last whetstone during a quest. Curse you, Melynx!
What’s big, slow and takes an excruciatingly long time to kill? That’s right, a Duramboros!
While it may be slow and quite clearly stupid, the Duramboros boasts some extremely powerful attacks.
Fighting a Duramboros isn’t exactly a difficult task; it’s easy to get underneath the huge monstrosity and hack away quite merrily. But killing it? Well, that’s another story entirely.
The Duramboros has an extraordinary amount of health. So much health, in fact, that eventually you’ll begin to lose concentration as you jab, slice and stab away at the damned thing. The problem is, this lapse in concentration can be deadly.
While it may be noticeably slow and quite clearly stupid, the Duramboros boasts some extremely powerful attacks. It’s also a monster that requires a lot of movement as you dodge its spinning tail and big ass belly flops, so your stamina gets depleted on a regular basis.
So what eventually happens? You find yourself getting hurt more than you’d like and running out of precious items like potions and whetstones. The Duramboros begins to laugh at you – giggling away as you tickle his fat legs with your pathetic, dull blade. And then he kills you.
There goes 35 minutes of your life you’ll never get back…
Anything that swims underwater is the very definition of annoying in Monster Hunter 3: Ultimate, but the Plesioth manages to antagonise even the most calm hunters when it’s on land as well.
I don’t understand what the Plesioth is. Really, I don’t. Its design defies all logic and its ability to be tall enough for your attacks to miss and powerful enough to be a nuisance makes me want to punch a wall.
Fighting a huge fish-like thing that also has giant chicken legs isn’t fun. Oh, and it also shoots laser beams. Fricking laser beams!
There’s one particular quest in MH3U that asks you to kill 3 Plesioths in a row. I think I’d rather scrape my eyes out with a rusty spoon if I’m perfectly honest.
Do not underestimate the obnoxiousness of the Rhenoplos. Seriously, I hate these things with a passion.
Picture this: you’re battling an incredibly fierce monster and your potions are in scant supply. You’ve finally managed to floor the towering tyrant and then suddenly, out of nowhere, a Rhenoplos comes sprinting towards you with one thing in its mind: it’s going to ram you.
Why is it ramming you? God knows. You didn’t pick a fight with it, but yet here it is, ramming you for no good reason other than to cause you pain and suffering.
As you watch your hunter fly helplessly through the air, the beast gets back up and is back on the offensive. Thanks, Rhenoplos. Thanks a lot.
Ah, the Gobul. Not content with being the most grotesque creature in the game, the Gobul plays hide and seek with its victims, turning a once harmless pastime into a deadly game of chance. Here’s why:
The Gobul has a varied set of attacks, and every single move is designed to irritate and anger.
“Hmm, I need to gather some Airweed. Ah, there’s a nice bunch. I’ll just begin carving and… oh crap it’s a bloody Gobul!”
The Gobul has the uncanny ability of pretending to be something its not. But what it is, without question, is an arse to fight.
The Gobul has a varied set of attacks, and every single move is designed to irritate and anger. There’s the underwater barrel roll, the opened-mouthed swirling whirlwind of death move (literally the best way to describe it), the paralysing tail whip, and my personal favourite, the practically unavoidable flashbang.
Yes, the Gobul can flashbang you and your party, sending you into a dizzying stupor. He then usually paralyses whoever’s closest and then runs away into the water like a bloated wind-up merchant. Needless to say, I rarely go gathering airweed these days.
More Monsters To Come!
I hope you enjoyed part one of the most obnoxious monsters in Monster Hunter 3: Ultimate. I’ll be back with another article with my final selection of annoying monsters that are guaranteed to make your blood boil – so stay tuned for numbers 5 to 1!
Happy hunting, everyone!