Hit me baby one thousand times.

The Wii U has become the Britney Spears of video game journalism. There, I said it. God knows someone had to.

Like the relentless paparazzi that tore Brit’s life apart, one shameful story and embarrassing photo at a time, it appears that the video game media are determined to do the same to the Wii U.

Everyone wants their pound of flesh from Nintendo’s much maligned, little black box. And at this rate, it’s only a matter of time before Nintendo’s CEO and president Satoru Iwata is forced to shave his head during the next Nintendo Direct presentation.

Luckily, Nintendo’s skin is thicker than most. And I’m starting to believe it’s actually impenetrable. Because since September last year the Kyoto-based company has been quietly going about their business, clocking up encouraging sales in their home nation (the Wii U is performing better than PS3 and Vita in Japan, life-to-date), upping sales across the globe, while delivering the type of exceptional software that only Nintendo can provide.

leave iwata alone leave nintendo alone

Have mercy, people. Please.

And still, no one gives a damn. Unless it’s something at Nintendo’s expense… like an upskirt shot of Reggie stepping out of a limousine. “Omg, what a train wreck!”

Monkey See, Monkey Do

To be honest, I couldn’t care one iota about the gamers who have the gall to say “Mario games are all the same”, or “Nintendo games are for kids” – ignorance is bliss, I suppose. No, it’s the fresh-faced newcomers and the prospective future Wii U owners that I’m really concerned about. They literally don’t stand a chance.

Can you imagine what it’s like for those bright-eyed, unsuspecting customers searching for information on the Wii U, only to encounter a tirade of spite and petty ridicule from supposedly impartial journalists, never mind the predictably colourful comments section? I’ll tell you what happens: instead of giving the Wii U a fair shot, they’re quickly swamped by the prejudices of others, sucked into the spiral of negativity and soon wind up hooting and hollering that the Wii U is crap because it’s the seemingly “in” thing to do.

Mercifully, some of us prefer not to wallow in the misery of a failing console – just ask any Dreamcast owner whether Sega’s last console was the flop everyone made out.

If proof were ever needed that things are getting out of hand, a personal account of an anonymous Wii U developer has been published with more than few damning criticisms of Nintendo and the console itself. The problem is, the account contains outdated and arguably irrelevant information to all but those looking to fan the flames of video game fanboyism. But that didn’t stop it getting plenty of widespread attention and most importantly, clicks. Which makes me wonder, did it really need to be published? Of course not, but this is the Wii U we’re bashing here. Let’s see what other dirt we can dig up – the more far-fetched the better!

Farfetch-d pokemon

The Wii U runs entirely on spring onions, according to an anonymous developer.

At Least Wii Are Happy

Mercifully, some of us prefer not to wallow in the misery of a failing console – just ask any Dreamcast owner whether Sega’s last console was the flop everyone made out (hint: it wasn’t). I for one would much rather sail the expansive Great Sea in The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD, command an army of petite, plant workers in Pikmin 3, unite 100 heroes in The Wonderful 101 into a giant fist, carve up some fallen beasts in Monster Hunter 3: Ultimate or conquer the devilishly difficult ‘Champion’s Road’ in Super Mario 3D World (my early contender for personal gaming moment of 2014). Because regardless of what you may read, the Wii U is turning into a fantastic console with an excellent library of games; and honestly, I’m yet to meet an actual Wii U owner who wasn’t thoroughly satisfied with their purchase.

To paraphrase one slightly deranged and admittedly emotional fan of the talented Britney Spears: “Leave the Wii U alone! Please, just leave it alone!”

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