Fight flab with friends!
Slurpppp* “Ahhhhh.” The final swig of Mountain Dew signals the end of another hard fought gaming session.
With your enemies vanquished, victory is yours. Congratulations, hero. The world is safe once again. Gradually, you slump forward in anticipation of performing a merry, celebratory jig; an exclamation point on the end of your success delivered through the medium of dance.
The crumbs of an evening’s supply of gaming snacks tumble off the human bib that is your T-shirt as you inhale deeply, willing your body to lurch forward. You promised yourself that after the holiday season, a new you would perform this very same celebratory jig with more gusto and pelvic thrusting than ever before. Sadly, reality hits. Fatigue dictates nothing more than a pathetic wiggle, accompanied by a hot flush of shame, disappointment, and anger.
You stare bleakly at the Ab-Circle Pro, SlenderTone, Swiss Ball and other man-made abominations that promised you washboard abs and an enviable physique. Instead, these contraptions of hate and false promises only disguise the lack of motivation coursing through your veins, robbing you of your dignity and hard earned money in the process. When it comes to exercise, you’re just not feeling it. But why is this? Heaven knows you’re not a slob or a stereotypical couch potato. Naturally, science (or the ramblings of a gamer) has the answer.
But why is this? Heaven knows you’re not a slob or a stereotypical couch potato. Naturally, science (or the ramblings of a gamer) has the answer.
You see, as gamers, we find it hard to relate to the Adonis’ that adorn the cover of Men’s Fitness and Men’s Health magazines. What have these muscle men ever done for us in the past? The answer is obvious. Nothing. So, where can we find the inspiration we need to inject our sedentary lifestyles with a healthy dose of exercise?!
No, you won’t find the inspiration you need by picking up a copy of Zumba or Wii Sports people (leave that to Grandma). Our motivation lies in the form of some of gaming’s greatest icons and their impressive physiques; physiques which are attributable to an active lifestyle and varied fitness plan. These heroes will become your muse when the going gets tough, when you hit the proverbial wall and when you’re blinded by your own sweat. You’ve cared for them, willed them on and successfully helped them accomplish their past glories, now it’s time to let them help you.
So without further ado, let’s meet your new personal trainers! Welcome to fitness plans from gaming greats. (Please consult a trained physician or doctor before attempting any exercise plan.)
Christopher ‘Pythons’ Redfield has two tickets to the gun show, and you’re all invited whether you like it or not. With arms that dwarf those of the popular, large-armed man known as Hulk Hogan, Chris has redefined the medical definition of biceps and triceps.
Chris wisely refused any genetic enhancement on his road to success (he’s all too aware of the possible consequences), opting for a clean diet of herbs, zombie maiming and the physical exertion required when boosting his partner to unreachable heights.
Chris can always be found holding a weighted object in the upright position, flexing the bi’s and tensing the tri’s during combat. Further resistance training comes in the form of knife swiping barrels, and Chris’ cardiovascular fitness is frequently tested – be it fleeing from the waves of Uroboros, or running away from his annoying partner, Sheva.
With arms that could rival a T-virus infected mutant, Chris is your go-to guy for filling out that T-shirt and letting everyone in the room know what’s up.
- Monday – Zombie hunting. If there are no zombies available ask someone to hug you tightly, then push them away 20 times.
- Tuesday – Boost your partner over a gap 20 times.
- Wednesday – Slice 50 barrels.
- Thursday – Run away from everyone for 1 hour.
- Friday – Hold a weighted object upright for 24 hours.
- Weekend – Rest and admire your gigantic pythons.
Nate may seem like a happy go lucky chap, unfazed by dietary requirements or a desire to exercise, but behind that half tucked, long-sleeved top lies a trim and proper physique; just ask Chloe and Elena.
An adventurer’s lifestyle has left Nate in tip top shape to tackle any perilous situation that may appear before him. With a cat-like spring and climbing ability that rivals a simian primate, Nate began honing his body at an early age on the streets of Columbia. But don’t worry, it’s never too late to start your quest in becoming a climbing aficionado; and a ladies’ man for that matter.
Top of his gym class, tackling the dreaded rope climb with ease, Nate’s uncanny ability to scale the world’s most daunting monuments often requires a case of mind over matter. By continually cracking jokes, grunting, conversing with Hawaiian-shirt-wearing-men and mastering classic expressions such as ‘Oh… no no no no crap!’, Nate harnesses effective tools of distraction to avert his mind from the dangerous drops below.
Incredible mental strength helps Nate push past the pain of physical exhaustion, a valuable trait which keeps his eyes firmly on the prize. Or in Nate’s case, not falling to a gruesome death.
- Monday – Scale a building.
- Tuesday – Walk through a forest, preferably a jungle.
- Wednesday – Practice your joke telling. Soak a kitty.
- Thursday – Tuck in and tuck out your shirt 100 times.
- Friday – Roll around repeatedly. About 30 minutes.
- Weekend – Shoot the breeze with a Sulley look-alike.
Born with a silver spoon in her mouth and with access to her very own assault course, most of you probably won’t have the same blessings as those bestowed upon Miss Lara Croft (although both her parents died when she was young so give her a break, ok?).
Lara is a renowned gymnast; tumbling, somersaulting and rolling with the grace and beauty of a highly trained ballerina. Lara applies the very same knowledge that she learnt on the soft gym mats of home, as she does to the hard stone floors of the world’s hidden, dusty tombs.
An ample bosom ensures Lara has perfect balance, acting as a makeshift counterweight to her pert bottom. Whether she’s evading an incoming tiger or dodging the arrows of a temple’s triggered trap, Lara’s always in pristine condition to raid into the hearts and minds of gaming and fitness fans alike.
Banish those bingo wings, say goodbye to that shelf of a backside, it’s time to master that ass, Tomb Raider style.
- Monday – Open and close a freezer door 100 times.
- Tuesday – Run away from your butler. Alternatively, you can run away from someone holding a tray of beverages and snacks.
- Wednesday – Pivot awkwardly for half an hour.
- Thursday – Run face first into a wall at least 8 times.
- Friday – Keep your arms perfectly outstretched for about 7 hours.
- Weekend – Look in the mirror… Well hello there, supermodel!
A physical specimen like no other, perhaps owing to his godly genetic lineage, Kratos has won countless admirers thanks to his imposing frame.
Regularly decimating Gods and mythical beasts has helped Kratos maintain his sizeable bulk, specifically honing his phenomenal pectoral muscles, by the constant ripping and tearing required when decapitating family members who may have upset him.
The Ghost of Sparta laughs in the face of the famous ‘Spartan 300 workout’, the human equivalent of a particularly gruelling exercise regime. Kratos also wonders why the Spartans even needed 300 men to fight Xerces’ army when he could have easily vanquished them alone.
Known for his fiery, violent relationship with his father Zeus, Kratos is fuelled by vengeance and hatred. These raw emotions empower Kratos, giving him the drive and ambition he needs to succeed. No matter what the cost.
Naturally, you may or may not have been betrayed by a Greek God of a father, however, there’s no denying Kratos’ intense, fearsome dedication to exercise is unrivalled and even infectious. Just don’t let him hear you say you’re tired.
- Monday – Buy a flaming bow and arrow. Practice for a minimum of 3 hours.
- Tuesday – Climb the monkey bars at your local jungle gym 16 times. Destroy the jungle gym.
- Wednesday – Rip open 78 packets of crisps.
- Thursday – Unscrew 27 stubborn jar lids.
- Friday – Wrap your wrists in heavy metal chains. Keep them on for the whole day.
- Weekend – By Zeus! You’ve become a Greek God.
So you think yoga is for sissies huh? Well, try telling that to Indian’s undisputed yoga champion, Dhalsim.
More flexible than a melted piece of mozzarella, Dhalsim’s dedication to the recreational activity popular amongst middle-aged women knows no equal. And it shows.
With a waist line that makes Dita Von Teese feel inadequate, Dhalsim proudly boasts a 14-inch waist; and that’s without the need for a corset. With an equally admirable upper body, consisting mainly of his ribcage, Dhalsim’s remarkable control of his respiratory system and abdominals allow him to convert his daily food intake into flaming balls of fire through ancient burping techniques. This flamboyant technique also benefits Dhalsim’s efficiency of absorbing essential nutrients from his food, expelling the less desirable.
So the next time you snigger at someone performing the downward facing dog, just remember these three words: YOGA! YOGA! YOGA!
- Monday – Touch your toes 100 times.
- Tuesday – Ride an elephant. Ask your local zoo for permission if you don’t own an elephant.
- Wednesday – Ask four friends to help stretch your limbs. One per limb. The safe word is STOP.
- Thursday – Study a Stretch Armstrong doll, carefully.
- Friday – Levitate once.
- Weekend – Marvel at your rubbery frame.
So there you have it folks, inspiration and suggested activities to help you achieve your workout goals. Thanks to Sumonix’s workout plan, you’ll be the envy of all your friends. GUARANTEED!
Warning: Attempting any of the above exercise plans will not provide guaranteed results unless partnered with a strict, healthy diet. Or at all.