You’ve been warned.
Video game characters come from all walks of life. From Italian plumbers to space foxes; from androgynous spiky-haired teens to vampire killers; to chainsaw-wielding cheerleaders and everything in between. They’re certainly an odd old bunch, so much so that we often rely on crossover titles to settle the old ‘who would win in a fight between X and Y’ debacle.
There are some, however, that are so intimidating they make Lord Voldemort reach for his underwear drawer. These elite few are so evil, the very thought of names are met with cold shudders. These are the top 5 video game characters you shouldn’t mess with under any circumstances.
5. Pyramid Head (Silent Hill 2)
You’re walking through an empty apartment building. You know something is definitely off about the place: the lack of electricity, the cold air, the dead silence and remnants of seeping fog… Something is about to happen. Something bad. Very, very bad. Upon opening a curious looking door, you spy this monstrosity having his way with a couple of equally freaky, yet probably unassuming…things.
Pyramid Head is the epitome of terrifying. While exploring the horrors of Silent Hill, James Sunderland is sometimes forced into confrontations with the triangular terror, except you don’t fight him. Oh no, the game always picks the worst possible moments in which he could show up. Places where you are forced to run. He cannot be fought, and you can only flee, as taking him head on is nothing short of suicide.
So, next time you get the chance to explore an abandoned hospital, take a rain check; you never know what could be lurking inside.
4. Owner of the Happy Mask Shop (LoZ: Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask)
This guy is a freak of nature. Widely regarded as one of the more disturbing characters in the Zelda franchise, this seemingly harmless mask salesman flies into a fit of uncontrollable rage should you not have the money to pay him back for the masks he lends you. If that wasn’t enough, he throws Link out of his store. Probably so he can take his insanity pills; you know, the part Nintendo didn’t want you to see.
The madness continues in Majora’s Mask, in which he believes you’ve misplaced one of his prized masks. The guy goes eight ways bananas and there’s nothing you can do about it. At least in Ocarina of Time, you could avoid his nightmare-inducing glare by being economically sound.
There is nothing ‘happy’ about this twisted salesman. It’s all a facade, and just shows how downright creepy Nintendo can potentially be. The moral of the story? Just pay him back. For God’s sake just give the man his money.
3. Resetti (Animal Crossing)
There are many things in Animal Crossing that you probably shouldn’t do. For example, if you shake the trees, you’re bound to get stung by a bee somewhere down the line. Signing away your life to some walrus’s life insurance policy (read: shady pyramid scheme) is also something that you should avoid. Even chatting with your neighbours can be a dangerous affair; making friends with a steroid-fueled rhinoceros is not something that should be considered a choice.
There is, however, one thing above all else that you definitely shouldn’t do in Animal Crossing, and it’s initially something that seems completely trivial: turning off the game without saving. Normally, a game would not bother you with such a thing, or maybe even prompt you to save if you are planning on taking a break. Not Animal Crossing, though; this game goes full force. Say hello to Mr. Resetti Mole.
Mr. Resetti is a nightmare to deal with. Not only will he provide a lecture worthy of Hitler himself, but he’ll deliver it with such ferocity it’ll make you wish you’d just taken a little more care with your saving habits. Sure, maybe it’s cute and kind of funny the first time (the fact that Nintendo would go out of their way to write hundreds of lines covering just one simple mistake is truly something else), but do it enough times and he’ll get so mad as to threaten the very existence of your save!
Resetti breaks the fourth wall to such a degree that it’s not even funny. Quitting without saving isn’t big or clever, which many AC players have found out the hard way.
2. Captain Onishima (Jet Set Radio)
Captain Onishima is the chief of police in Tokyo-to, the district that is home to those lovable rollerskating, graffiti spraying rogues, the GGs. Turns out said rogues rub police chiefs the wrong way. Especially this one. Spray a notable amount of graffiti around town and this overzealous jobsworth shows up…
…and shoots on sight. This guy means serious business. If he can’t handle it on his own, he’ll send attack dogs, swat teams, paratroopers, tanks and even helicopters to do the job for him. Just how well connected is this guy?!
Another thing worthy of note is his tendency to make any lesser officers of the law flee the area, simply because he’s extremely dangerous. Onishima makes your run-of-the-mill copper look like a complete pacifist. Deadly with a magnum and a whole nation’s worth of security to back him mean that he’s definitely shouldn’t be messed with.
1. Lu Bu (Dynasty Warriors)
You’re charging merrily through a battlefield filled with witless enemy soldiers. Your greatsword knows no bounds and everything is going your way. Suddenly, the pulse-pounding heavy metal music stops, only to be replaced by something much more threatening. The hairs on your next stand on end. You know exactly what’s going on. Lu Bu has stepped into battle.
Lu Bu is the ultimate video game character that you simply don’t mess with. He even gets his own battle theme exclusive from all the other songs in the games. It’s a consistent theme, and the melody has remained the same throughout the entire series, with minor alterations and arrangements each time. That’s because it doesn’t need changing. That theme alone is enough to tell you that you should not be sticking around.
Soldiers flee in terror at the sight of him. Your own commanding officers plead with you not to take him on. This is because Lu Bu is normally the hardest opponent in the games, and on Normal difficulty or higher, it only takes a few hits from him to put you down for good. Taking him head on is usually a very bad idea and has resulted in many a death from players the world over. He makes Chuck Norris wet the bed. He’s the sole reason time travel hasn’t been invented yet.
But you know what’s really awesome about Lu Bu? He actually existed! As Dynasty Warriors is based on the Three Kingdoms era of Ancient China, it’s only fitting Koei make him almost impossible to kill under normal circumstances, as he was known as an ‘invincible warrior’ to even the hardiest of warlords. No one could kill him, so he had to be lured into a trap, captured and executed.
If this Lu Bu’s ghost materialised in my house I’d damn sure do what he says!